Women get flowers, men get … banana bread?

Anniversaries, birthdays, prom, promotions, thank yous, dates, sympathy, love and just because: Flowers are a go-to gift for any of the above — if they’re being given to a woman. Or at least that’s traditionally (and stereotypically) the case, say etiquette experts. But not so much if the gift is intended for a man. In fact, one TikTok trend inspired women to give flowers to the guys in their lives after they learned that the first time most men receive flowers is at their own funerals.

But what is the male equivalent of flowers? According to the internet (this week), it’s … banana bread? It began as the answer offered by one commenter on a TikTok post posing the question, but thousands of other men quickly piled on in the comment sections and with their own videos. Yes, they very much would like to receive banana bread. Perhaps with some added chocolate chips or some nuts or a glaze. Meanwhile, others posted their own hot takes (banana bread is not it).

So is banana bread really the answer? Has it been all along? And why haven’t we heard about a universal flower-equivalent before? We spoke to experts (and banana bread fans) to find out.

TikTok says … give men banana bread

There may be a bit of groupthink going on here. The suggestion of banana bread has spread like wildfire on TikTok, where content creators may hop on trends to generate views, whether or not they really agree. But 20-year-old Tre Lewis is on board. When he saw the chatter on TikTok, he thought, “low-key, if I got banana bread, I would feel pretty good,” Lewis tells Yahoo. “That’s an easy thing to make, and it’s warm and it just feels like home,” he adds.

For Lewis and other men, it’s the thoughtful effort of something homemade and the familiar comfort of baked goods that make a good gift. “Some of the most memorable gifts that I get are some baked-type goods,” says Lewis. “Like I remember some muffins and brownies I got from my grandma — really anything that’s baked and sweet really hits home and gives you that little warm feeling,” he says. Same goes for his aunt’s carrot cakes and coffee cakes. Lewis suspects that, like him, many men just have a “mean sweet tooth,” and being gifted an indulgence feels special.

Etiquette experts say … don’t

Surprisingly, etiquette experts do not recommend giving banana bread.

“I would certainly stay away from prepared or baked goods” as gifts, Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and author of a forthcoming Book of Modern Etiquette, tells Yahoo. So banana bread gets a thumbs down from her, but she has her reasons. For one, “people have very, very specific dietary preferences nowadays,” she says. And then there’s the health factors: The recipient has to wonder if the gift is fully cooked, made with fresh ingredients and whether the giver washed their hands.

But even if you’re thinking about giving banana bread to the men you know well, Swann cautions that it may not be worth the pressure the gift puts on the recipient. “When you present something to someone that they have to consume, what happens to that individual is that they now feel as though they’re put on the spot to give a review” of what you’ve made or chosen for them to eat, says Swann. Because even if they do like banana bread, they may not love your banana bread, she adds.

Lewis, however, disagrees. “Ladies, just get the man banana bread and see what the reaction is,” he says.

Why are flowers the universal gift — but only for women?

The prominent role of flowers in social life and gift-giving emerged in the 19th century, during the Victorian era, Randy Malamud, Georgia State University Regents’ Professor of English and author of Strange Bright Blooms: A History of Cut Flowers, tells Yahoo. “Queen Victoria liked flowers; she liked to hold bouquets of flowers and [wear them],” he says. “And she was a very influential person in terms of cultural performances and habits.” So, flowers became fashionable for other women and started to appear in textiles. But not so much for men. “Why not? I don’t know — but she was always already a very feminized [character], so it became a very feminized business and fashion,” Malamud says.

Plus, Malamud explains, flower sellers were sometimes female sex workers in the 1900s, and names of flowers — pansies, daffodils — were later used as gay slurs. “That certainly gained resonance and stoked prejudices” that may have made flowers a less appealing gift for straight men, says Malamud.

As gifts, men gave women flowers to wear, carry or decorate their homes in the Victorian era — and still do. “Flowers are unique in that you can give at various price points, but the effect and surprise and delight remain the same,” says Swann. “Flowers can really level the playing field for men because the gesture of a single rose can carry the same weight as a ginormous bouquet of flowers,” she adds.

So, what should we give men?

There isn’t a standard gift for men that’s as universal as flowers are for women. Still, there are plenty of good options. If you’re giving a man flowers to show love or romantic interest, “gather some intel and information from your conversations with the gentleman and think of something you can give that is the equivalent of the cost of flowers,” says Swann. If, for example, he loves fantasy football, you could get him a jersey from his favorite team or a cameo from a player on his roster.

Swann suggests a notebook or journal, if you’re looking for a gift to express something a little less intimate, such as congratulations on a promotion or a thank-you. “It has that same kind of personal-yet-impersonal connotation” as flowers, she says. Notebooks and journals come at a variety of price points, ranging from a $12 “self–mastery” journal to a $470 monogrammed Cartier pocket diary. And it doesn’t run the risk that banana bread does (accidentally making the receiver sick, forcing them to assess your baking skills).

However, Malamud would like to see givers be braver: “May I humbly suggest that the male equivalent of flowers is flowers?” he says. “Flowers are great, and I think they’re even a greater gift for men because they aren’t used to getting them,” he adds. Swann agrees: There’s nothing wrong with getting flowers for men. And if you want to go the extra mile, pick out flowers in the colors of their favorite sports teams or the state flowers of places they’ve visited and loved.

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